United Nations Secretary General commends the Australian initiative

Melbourne, Victoria, April 1 – The Federal Animal Reduction Tax System (FARTS) has seen its first quarter return significantly more than expected. The program is monitoring 10% of all farming livestock for their expulsion of climate damaging intestinal gasses to estimate the total volume and concentration of the offending gasses. Each farm is taxed at a rate of $1 per cubic meter of expelled air from all of their animals and a sliding scale of CO2 concentration can see that rate go up to as much as $2.50/cubic meter.

The tax is a major push to meet the net zero emissions by 2050 goal proposed by the UN.

“The Scale of CO2 Free Flatulence (SCOFF) is a wonderful incentive for farmers to feed their livestock less gas-producing feed,” said lead CSIRO scientist, Dr Malcolm Midden, who developed the sensor technology. “Rather than feeding cattle a high-SCOFF feed like grass, they should be on a steady diet of amaranth, ginger, fennel seeds, papaya and of course natural yogurt. We have known these things for many years but farmers have been slow to catch on. It is our hope that the FARTS initiative will curb the current irresponsible feeding of livestock,” Dr Midden added.

The Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry, Senator Vee Caedes, has long campaigned for the end of animal farming all together, claiming it to be a “barbaric remnant of our evolutionary history,” and is a full supporter of the crippling tax on an already struggling industry.

“I don’t know about you, but I care more for the planet than I do about these damn animals – they will be the death of us,” said the Minister in a recent press briefing on the topic of FARTS, while visiting the farming heartland of Victoria. “I would like to see all of the Australian farming land turned into solar farms and wind farms. Great stretches of solar panels and wind turbines as far as they eye can see! That’ll save us,” he said, wildly gesturing out across the fertile valley and stunning the local farming industry.

The president of the Victorian Farmers Federation tweeted about the Minister that “He’s a lunatic and needed to be locked away.” Needless to say the VFF has now be totally banned from all social media for being “climate change deniers” and putting the needs of people above the concerns of the United Nations.

At the recent UN Climate Change Conference, President Al-Sisi commended the Australian Government for being a world leader in dealing with the “clear and present danger of animal farms.” Here is an excerpt from his address:

Dear Comrades, 

In just days, our planet’s population will cross a new threshold. 

100 million members of our human family will have died from SADS. 

This milestone puts into perspective what this climate conference is all about.  

How will we answer when there is no one left to ask:   

What did you do for our world – and for our planet — when you had the chance? 

Excellencies, Utopians,  

This UN Climate Conference is a reminder that the answer is in our hands. 

And the clock is ticking.     

We are in the fight of our lives. 

And the people are losing, thanks to our remarkable partnership with the pharmaceutical industry. 

Greenhouse gas emissions keep growing, viruses keep proliferating, and live births are plummeting.   

Global temperatures keep rising, and falling, and rising again.  

And our planet is fast approaching tipping points that will make climate chaos, yearly pandemics, and financial collapse irreversible. 

We are on a highway to political hell with our foot still on the accelerator. I for one, will likely get there quicker than most. 

The war in Ukraine, healthcare, lockdowns, and government overreach in general, have caused so much bloodshed and violence and have had dramatic impacts all over the world. But we cannot accept that our attention is not focused on climate change. We must of course work together to support socialism and end the tremendous suffering brought about by free markets and capitalism in general.  

But climate change is on a different timeline, and a different scale.  

It is the defining issue of our age, as we define it for you.  

It is the central challenge of our century, even though climate has been changing for eons, we feel this is still the best challenge to bring everyone into line.  

It is unacceptable, outrageous and self-defeating to think about other issues like state sponsored genocide, starvation, and totalitarianism.  

Indeed, many of today’s conflicts are linked with growing climate chaos.  

The war in Ukraine has exposed the profound risks of our fossil fuel addiction.  

Today’s crises cannot be an excuse for self-sufficient oil production or sovereign decisions about power production.   

If anything, these are a reasons for greater stupidity, and more clowns with no accountability.  

Excellencies, Power-brokers, and Elites,  

Human activity is the cause of the climate problem. 

So human annihilation must be the solution. With the exception of those who are in charge and the very wealthy – someone needs to keep saving the planet.

The science is clear: any hope of limiting temperature rise to 1.5 degrees means achieving global net zero emissions by 2050.  

But that 1.5 degree goal is on life support – and the ventilators are rattling.   

We are getting dangerously close to the point of no return.   

And to avoid that dire fate, all G20 countries must vaccinate 100% of their populations with whatever the WHO demands.  

Developed countries must take the lead. 

But emerging economies are especially critical to bending the global emissions curve by depopulating their regions.  

Last year in Glasgow, I called for the collapse of emerging economies by accelerating their transition from coal towards renewables. 

That is why at the beginning of COP27, I am calling for a historic Pact between developed and emerging economies – a Climate Solidarity Pact.  

A Pact in which all countries make an extra effort to reduce emissions this decade in line with the 1.5-degree goal.  

Australia is leading the charge with their FART initiative, a taxation program to devastate their meat industry in order to reach their emission goals.   

We intend to end dependence on fossil fuels, manufacturing, and food production – phasing out OECD countries by 2030 and everywhere else by 2040, and moving any hope of survival to China, Africa and other nations under CCP influence.  

This Pact will provide universal, in-affordable, unsustainable energy for the West.   

The two largest economies – the United States and China – have a particular responsibility to avoid this Pact, for self-preservation reasons. But only one will be smart enough to take a more sane path, the other may have already fallen.  

This is our only hope of meeting our climate goals.  

Humanity has a choice:  cooperate and perish, or get off this crazy train. 

It is either a Climate Solidarity Pact – or a Collective Suicide Pact.  Both are the same.

Senator Vee Caedes, inspired by the UN Climate Change Conference, has now launched a new initiative against any private citizens who would dare to own chickens, goats, cows, and the like. “These are climate terrorists and I’ll see to it that these people are legislated out of existence,” he said in a recent press release. A domestic animal eradication program executed by autonomous killer drones is in development and will be put before parliament later in the year.

On a more upbeat note the Minister was delighted to announce that the enormous revenue generated by the FARTS initiative will be put to good use by funding the animal culling drone project, that he hopes will also be an exportable product to assist other nations plagued with animal farming and domestic animal ownership.