After a dismal 2016, an even worse 2017, and a clinically depressed 2018, The Confounding Variable closed its doors and stopped writing unreliable science news after our final February 2019 issue (see the cover image below) – much to the joy of the three subscribers at the time. But, where there is hopeless desperation with no vision for the future and only darkness all around, there is always the pleasure of knowing someone in the world is doing it even tougher.
It was recently that I came across a certain Winston Smith who’s personal story of oppression gave us all hope here at The Confounding Variable that there really was someone more depressed, more crushed and hopeless, than our team of pathetic journalists. In the course of our conversation I managed to convince Winston, who has a flare for making things up, that he should purchase our little newspaper here in Tuvalu and give it a fresh lease of life! Weeping bitterly as he signed the paperwork, Winston was not backwards in expressing his utter disdain for falsehood under the guise of ‘science’, and that we should “get our act together”, or this will be a short lived relationship. I could only assure him that in the area of unreliable science news we are the absolute experts and we won’t let him down.
So it is with great joy that I am announcing the resurrection of The Confounding Variable! As none of you would know, we started all the way back in 1868, and you can see the cover of our only surviving paper here, from 1878.
Surprisingly the team look exactly the same as they did 6 years ago and you can see them on our “About Us” page – what a great bunch, and it’s so good to be back in the office with them reporting on the latest scientific news!
So what’s been happening with the crew for the past few years, you probably wouldn’t ask?
Steve did go back to his small-arms dealings, teaming up with some old friends in the Azov Regiment while simultaneously maintaining a profitable working relationship with the SVR RF. But he’s back in Tuvalu now with a remarkably generous protection deal for all the journalists here and says he can call a Russian air strike upon us at any moment… to protect us of course. He keeps us on our toes!
Pablo, also, has been away adventuring through Central America and running Fentanyl, small-arms, children and Chinese operatives across the Mexican/US boarder for pocket money – so nice to see young people taking initiative to support themselves. Having saved $837M over the last year, Pablo was looking for a new adventure and so has come back to The Confounding Variable for a new go at science journalism.
Unfortunately Marie is back. After blocking her calls and pretending we were all dead by sending her fake death certificates, she showed up unannounced and demanded that we take her back as a science journalist. She claims her deep spiritual connection with Anthony Fauci (after burning hundreds of ‘Do Pray Tell Dr. Anthony Fauci Prayer Candles’) has given her an awakening experience with ‘The Science’. She says she can deliver “the best unreliable science ever written,” so we will see if she can tap into that mystical Fauci union.
As for everyone else, well they just all hung around my pool and drank a lot since we disbanded, so not much to report on there.
Well I won’t go on any more with this drivel, just wanted to let you know WE ARE BACK – all of us – and it’s going to be a fantastic 2023 year of completely unreliable science journalism.
Unremarkably yours
Matt Confudere (Editor-in-Chief)
