BOSTON, MA—Typically politicians are selected for their unique set of cognitive abilities to navigate the complex and challenging political arena. Now a new imaging study being conducted in Boston has revealed that these valuable traits have their foundation in well-defined neural architecture.
Prof. Felice Gabrieli, lead researcher on the project for the private firm It’s All in Your Head Imaging, Inc., says the study is looking for precise neurobiological markers of the political brain. “The typical politician will display a predictable set of traits such as the inability to give a straight answer, poor recall of promises made, a once-in-an-election-cycle interest in constituents and their babies, and an incapacity to see opponents’ points of view,” said Gabrieli.
“These traits can be observed in the form of distinct neural patterns in what we might call the political brain, right down to the circuit responsible for the cheesy smile, and we’re close to defining this architecture,” explained the professor. Gabrieli herself had at one time entertained political ambitions but suffered from politically debilitating one-facedness.
The study has revealed a typical neural pattern dubbed synchronous temporal uncus parasagittal ipsilateral dysensia identity transduction yoke (STUPIDITY), which can be clearly identified using the latest fMRI scanning techniques, according to Gabrieli.
Ethical concerns have arisen over the findings, with suggestions that the ability to identify a political brain in children would put them at a distinct disadvantage among their peers concerning any hope of a meaningful future—there is a real danger they could be encouraged into the political arena. Another concern is the future potential for scanning the brains of unborn babies, providing early warning of the risks to a foetus associated with a political brain—a revelation that may be too much for many parents.
On the positive side, clinical empathologist Dr. I. Fielyu of the Peace-Bro Foundation claimed today, “These imaging studies, identifying the political neural architecture of STUPIDITY, provide new ground for empathy towards the politician. For too long we have assumed that politicians’ argumentative nature and inability to see another’s perspective, remember promises, follow through, accept personal responsibility, be honest, and think logically was just poor character. Now we know it’s STUPIDITY.”
It’s All in Your Head Imaging says they will continue to refine the STUPIDITY model and hope to have a self-diagnosis app on virtual shelves by the end of this year.