LOS ANGELES, CA—A radical new diet called the Restricted Intake Diet is causing an uproar in the fast-food industry and has some federal politicians very concerned. The diet, commonly known as “eating in moderation”, proposes that people should only consume as many calories each day as the body needs without having to store excess as fat.
“This is, quite simply, a dangerous idea,” said a spokeswoman for a major fast-food outlet. “It’s unrealistic, and possibly psychologically damaging, that people should exercise such extreme constraint in their eating habits – and furthermore, it’s un-American,” she said in a press conference yesterday to the New Zealand public.
Proponents for the diet say that fast food companies, and the government, are concerned about loss of revenue rather than people’s health. Government and industry sources disagree.
“This diet could be a real threat to national security,” said Neil Nincompoope of the Food, Drug, Diets, and Annoying Habits Administration (FDDAHA). “It could cost the country tens of billions of dollars in lost revenue, thousands of lost jobs, and very laborious food preparation for millions of Americans.”
“The cost of eating in moderation is just too great, and those advocating this irresponsible behaviour should be shut down before they shut down the economy,” Nincompoope told The Confounding Variable last night from his bunker at an undisclosed location.
Government and industry media advisors expect the matter will lose traction as the media cycle turns to more pressing global issues like the final round of America’s Got Talent and the upcoming Rogue One: A Star Wars Story film. We probably won’t keep you up to date on this issue.